I heard a story on the radio yesterday about a grassroots group in San Francisco dedicated to community film-making. Every week 10 films made by community members are publically viewed and voted upon by the audience. Only five return for viewing the following week, so there is a lot of rejection built into this democratic parsing of people’s creative offerings. I had the usual gut-level reaction of resistance to this notion, but one of the contestants interviewed for the piece patiently explained that all that rejection is actually good for him because the movie/TV business is all about rejection and it’s important to become immune to it.
He’s right and we all know it. Anyone over the age of 40 knows that rejection is that hot flame that tempers the inner steel that enables robust participation in life’s scrum. We all know people who are fragile and careful, who have been disoriented and frightened by being swirled around in the rejection eddies, and who have never recovered. We also know so many who seem strong and centered, unruffled by life’s surprises, those who have learned how to handle rejection.
We parents are wired in a primal way to throw ourselves in front of the train in order to protect our children from danger. We feel the inherent danger of rejection in the college admissions process and rush in to remove as much uncertainty as possible, thereby unconsciously defeating our child’s natural developmental need to thicken the skin, which is required for happiness on this scary planet. Rejection as sun screen?
I urge you to reframe your view of rejection as annihilation and see it more as a necessary experience for every healthy human, as painful as birth itself, and the cutting of teeth through tender gums. Our role is to witness our kids as they move through their rejections – large and small – and to remind them that life goes on regardless. And that life is good.