Category: Parenting

Fear Nation

We’re bombarded 24/7 with scary news.

If we listen to the media, or even to our friends and community members, there is so much to fear that we must be hyper-vigilant to stay safe.  After all, the food we eat is killing us, the water we drink pollutes us, the air we breathe is toxic.  We could get the flu and die unless we get the flu shot.  We can’t trust anyone because they could snap and go crazy.  We could lose our jobs at any moment.  We can’t trust our elected officials because they are all corrupt and in some crazy way are united against us, the innocent general public.  The world is unstable and some crazy 3rdworld country leader somewhere is going to bomb and destroy us.  Can’t trust humans.  The weather is changing and will wreak havoc on us.  Can’t trust Nature.

Oh, and our kid will be rejected from colleges because they are not: White or Asian or Black or Hispanic or male or female or rich or poor or middle-class or an athlete or a non-athlete or from the right school or the right state… ad infinitum.

Can’t trust life.

Really?  I’m so fed up with this belief system that does nothing but wear us all down.

Recently I’ve become aware of a small conspiracy movement that believes the Newtown CT shooting was a hoax designed to marshal enough public sentiment to limit our access to guns and undermine the Second Amendment.   I’ve personally been working with people from Newtown CT as part of the Tapping Solution Newtown Stress and Trauma Relief Project and I assure all of you that the events of Dec. 14, 2012 were no hoax and no actors were involved.  This was one huge human tragedy because so many young children were involved.  As with so many tragedies, we’ll probably never know what was in the mind of Adam Lanza, the shooter, because he took the coward’s way out.  But how we respond to and interpret this challenge and others like it in everyday life is the whole point.

When we choose fear, fear wins.  We lose bigtime.

Folks, this is a fear-based planet which is why we’re all here – to conquer fear.  It’s no wonder we’re exposed to it again and again so we can confront and live through the fear. 

So when you get scared that your child will get rejected from his college choices, your cortisol levels go up (cortisol is the body’s stress hormone) and so does your blood pressure and heart rate.  You go into some version of fight or flight and over the long term, this elegant mechanism designed to save your life actually wears your health down and speeds its demise.

So turn off the news and the scary stuff.  Step away from any conversation that revs up your anxiety.  It’s all b.s. anyway.  Look to what is real and true and not there to sell you anything – look at the sky and the trees around you.  Watch the birds and wildlife if you are lucky enough to be around some.  Tune into your breath and your heart rate.  Smile at your children and spouse.  Relax.  In reality, there is beauty and wonder and innocence all around you at every moment.

Perception is everything.

I heard a recent interview with the iconic Louise Hay who, when prompted by the interviewer to discuss some plan or other, responded, “Why don’t we just trust life and see how things unfold?”

This is the perfect way to inoculate yourself from Fear Nation, even if it is heretical to our willful way of being in a world where we believe it’s all up to us.  Maybe it isn’t.  Maybe trusting life is the paradoxical key to happiness.

It’s what I choose.

Trying to Read the Tea Leaves – Early Decisions Are Out

It’s another one of those important life lessons playing itself out in real time all across the country.  Most Early decisions are out now and have made many wonderful young people very happy.  Congratulations to all of them.   It’s a magical moment for sure and one they will always remember.  For them, this is a launching point.  Yay!!

But for so many, many more, the decisions have left applicants on some spectrum of stunned, heartbroken, confused and deflated.  And I can see why, now that I’m on this side of the college admissions experience, where I actually know the individuals involved and have fallen in love with them and their families.  I see their beauty and promise and strengths.  I feel their talent and desire to serve.   And now I feel their grief.

There is the natural urge to read the tea leaves, to connect the dots and make assumptions about why the decision did not go their way.  While this is fruitless, there is a certain innocence to it that I do not have.

Because for nearly 30 years, I was one of those college admissions officers who turned so many top students down.

I know well that all decisions depend on who else is applying that year, what the institution’s needs are and the composition of the admissions staff.  I’ve seen how a newbie reader or a poor reader can affect a case negatively.

I know that a change in leadership at the college can affect the school’s goals and needs.  This is especially true if that school is looking to increase their USNWR ranking… I’ve seen how mistakes happen, and yes, how life happens because we’re all humans.

While I’m so happy for all of those who got admitted to college this month, my heart is heavy for all of those who did not.  I know that it doesn’t help, but I still have to say that this is not personal.  The application is being admitted, not the student – and therein lies the rub.

So I’m left with the wise words of Eric, one of my favorite friends who is also one of the best fathers I’ve ever met.  He’s what is known as a mensch, a good and loving man who speaks wisdom in a kind way.  He said, “Sh*t happens.  I think that should be the #1 thing that parents teach their children.”

And you know, he’s right.  Sh*t happens and life is a paradox.  The best things in life most often come disguised as the worst on this crazy planet. The key is to hold on and wait it out to see this truth.

I’m always saying that the college admissions process is really an initiation into the applicant’s adulthood.  If your child was deferred or rejected Early, love them all the more now and remind them who they really are.  Their self-confidence just took a major hit.  This is part of their maturity, part of their initiation.  It’s their firewalk, one we cannot share.  You can’t stop it.  You can’t deflect it.  We don’t know why it happened this way, but remind them that everything works for them and not against them.  They need to know that you have complete belief in them and in life itself.

Loving Wastefully

I recently had the honor of listening to a lecture by John Shelby Spong, a well-known retired Bishop of the Episcopal Church, who spoke clearly and forcefully about the role religion plays in spreading prejudice.  Having been raised Catholic in the ‘50s, and then frustrating my parents by adopting feminism at age 17, thereby rejecting any religion that is not built upon the equality of all humans, I listened carefully with great curiosity, for I’d heard that Bishop Spong was ‘special’.  You could hear the proverbial pin drop among the hundreds in that auditorium as the Bishop, a deeply revered and thoroughly modern man despite his position in his church’s hierarchy, spoke to us about the oneness of all human beings.  Even I gave him a standing O at the end.  It was magic.

He told us that science has proven that we are all one, for humans share 99.9% of the same DNA.  And then there is quantum physics and the oneness principle.  Yeah, yeah, yeah….I’ve heard that before and didn’t need to be convinced.   So I enjoyed his story telling and overall relaxed presentation style.  I especially liked how he spoke in full paragraphs.   Very impressive.

But the concept that grabbed my attention and literally put me on the edge of my seat was at the end, when he suggested that we “choose to love wastefully”.  Huh?  Wastefully?  Isn’t waste a sin?  (hmm…is that in the ‘mortal’ or ‘venial’ category, I wonder?)

He recommended that in these times of turbulence and fear we generate love for all living things, greeting the details of our worlds with love and compassion, regardless of where the love lands and whether or not it is returned.   He used the word ‘wastefully’, I think, to suggest another meaning for the term ‘unconditionally’, because so few of us really understand that idea, having been raised in a world of duality – right/wrong, up/down, yin/yang, etc.   This is not a planet of unconditional love.  We must create it.

How, exactly, do we love without the promise of it being returned and why does that matter?

Even more importantly, why am I writing about this now?

When our children apply to college, our parental claws come out to protect them from the process of judgment and possible rejection.  We don’t want them to be rejected.  We don’t want them to be hurt.  So sometimes in our zeal to protect, we contract and move into a less loving stance toward everyone in our world.   We may envy other people whose children are admitted to dream schools or resent the ones who seem to breeze through the college process without so much as a hair out of place.

This contraction is exactly the opposite of what our children need at this moment.

They need as much extravagant, wasteful love as they can get while they are being exposed to the judgment of strangers who do not know how precious they are.

So this holiday season, join me in my plan to ‘love wastefully’.  Give it away.  Love anyone in sight.  Give them your respect and your care, a smile or kind gesture.

For we also know from life that what we give out comes back to us.  Love begets love.

Amen.

First Aid for College Applicants: Esteeming

Another cycle of college admissions has begun and I’m so struck by the deep fear of students and their parents in the runup to the application deadlines.  I offer the usual excellent advice (take it slow, one step at a time, get lots of sleep) but see how often it goes in one ear and straight out the other.  Yeah, no kidding.  I get it.  I’ve been plenty scared in life myself.

So I’ve hit on an important concept I want to encourage you to use as your child is in the throes of applying to college.  I call it ‘first aid’ to stop the hemorrhaging of confidence that is inevitable this time of year.

I encourage you to amp up your esteeming of your child.

Esteeming?

You might feel resistance at first.  One parent rolled her eyes when I gave her this advice and said, “Oh brother. Aren’t they esteemed enough?”  Made me smile.  But here’s the thing…actually, no.  They aren’t esteemed enough right now.

You can’t possibly understand the scary nature of your child’s world during this moment in time.

They are expected to master the most rigorous curriculum ever offered in the US (thanks to confluence of the knowledge explosion afforded by the internet and the accountability movement of No Child Left Behind).  They are expected to provide evidence of leadership sustained over time for college admissions officers who are partial to that kind of person.  These same admissions officers expect to see full-blown, highly-perfected humans among their applicant pool of teenagers who, for the most part, are far from it.  Students hear snippits of information about admissions that scare them and then, like all people, they connect the dots and make stuff up about how college admissions works.  Except that it doesn’t work that way and they are working off of bad information.  They are connected to each other 24/7 through technology in ways we aren’t.  Social media sucks them into mob mentality.  As teenagers, they want to fit in and be accepted for who they are all the while they have yet to grow into social confidence, like puppies who are growing into their paws.  They have pimples and body issues as they transform into adults.  Their hormones are fluctuating, causing moodiness and angst and a general sense of careening out of control.  They are trying to please everyone and to be seen as special when they really don’t feel special at all.

In short, teenagers aren’t finished yet.

So I am urging parents to offer your children ballast.  Be extra gentle with them now. Praise them for what they do right and bite your tongue when they screw up.  Ease up a bit.  Love them, even if you have to take out their baby pictures to remind yourself how perfect they were then because as teenagers they are sometimes a pain in the butt.  😉

This is their initiation into adulthood.  It is hard to put years of your life on the line to be judged by strangers using rules you will never understand in such a public way.  We adults have never been where they are because our world was so much safer.

Amp up the esteeming and you will see how they relax back into you.  It will change everything.

How To Create Peace At Home During the College Application Process

Well, we’re now full-blown in the holiday season again (didn’t we just do this a few months ago?) and if you are the parent of a high schooler applying to college, you probably aren’t singing songs of joy and peace right about now.  Chances are, your child is having the usual teenage mood swings and rebellion compounded by all the additional stress of applying to college and the ultimate fear/Nirvana:  leaving you for college come fall.  If your home is peaceful, please write and tell the rest of us how you’ve managed that.  If you are typical, though, you probably need a breather from the increasing tension.

I know a lot about such things because I’ve been through that minefield.  And if you think it’s hard to parent a 17 year old, wait until you have to parent a 20-something, which is where I am now.  24 is the new 17.  Yikes!   So here’s my holiday gift to you…

My surefire recipe for creating peace at home in stressful times

Step 1.  Lock yourself in the bathroom and breathe.  Breathing is very under-rated.  It calms the nervous system and slows the heart.  The goal is to get centered in what is happening around you and how you feel about it.  In other words, locking yourself in the bathroom gives you some distance, and distance is good when your nerves are frayed and you are about to say or do something stupid that you’ll later regret.

Step 2.  Accept the fact that you are not applying to college.  Your child is.  This is not your firewalk.  You don’t have to stay up all night making applications to school. Your academic performance is not about to be judged.  You are not about to be accepted or rejected by strangers. It isn’t happening to you, though it sure feels like it.  Breathe some more and feel a tiny bit of relief as you meditate on this thought: aren’t you glad you’re not your child?

Step 3.  Remember that your role in this college application business is to be your family’s grounding cord.  You’ve lived through harrowing times before and have came through them OK.  You know that life ebbs and flows, that it brings great times and tough times.  That’s what we signed up for when we decided to be human beings.  So breathe again and ask yourself how you can ground the rest of your family and create a peaceful home.  Breathe in some of that peaceful feeling that you’d like to inject.

Do What Only You Can Do

Step 4.   Commit to yourself that you will be unflappable in the coming weeks.  You will listen and empathize and go on with your life without trying to fix anything, because you are doing what only you can do – modeling healthy adult behavior during a tough time.  You are literally showing your child how it’s done.  Matching their own anxiety doesn’t help them.  It just makes everything worse.

Step 5.  If you want to clear your anxiety and frayed nerves, there is nothing like tapping (EFT).  Here is a great script for that. If not, there are many other ways to stay calm in the center of a Category 5 storm:  breathing; meditation; reading; going for a walk; talking to a friend or a “paid friend”.  Remember what flight attendants tell us upon boarding a plane: place your own oxygen mask on before helping others.   Your child needs you to stay strong and relaxed now.  Your family needs you to create peace.  And you need to enjoy the holidays.

A Tapping Script To Lower Anxiety

Tapping is the perfect first aid for both the parents of students applying to college and for the applicants themselves when the anxiety of the college application process gets overwhelming.

Check out this basic tapping video by the wonderful Jessica Ortner to learn this simple technique. And yes, it is this simple.  😉

It’s best to tap when you feel the strongest emotions.  When you get stressed, step away from everyone, find a private place and start tapping.  Here is a good script to follow- speak these words as you tap.  Feel free to add your own words, since it should fit your experience. Or you can just feel the emotion and say nothing at all.  Just feel and tap.  You can’t do it wrong and you can’t screw it up.  Your body wants to clear the excess charge on your nervous system that’s causing the pain and will respond eagerly.  You might experience yawning, which is an excellent signal that your energy is moving and the tapping is working.  You may feel very tired by the end, also a good sign, so let yourself rest for awhile.  Listen to your body.  It always knows best what it needs.

I’ve given you three rounds, but you can do as many as you want.  EFT Master Dr. Pat Carrington, creator of the “choice” method I use here, says you’ll help yourself no matter what if you tap at least 5 rounds.  I tap every day to keep myself calm and clear.

The abbreviations refer to the point on your body where you’ll tap about 5-7 times as you speak the associated sentence.  Tapping does look strange, so you might feel more comfortable doing this in a private space.  Make sure to drink some water before and after.  The body is more electric than chemical, afterall.

Round 1: 

Karate Chop (KC):      Even though I’m so upset and for good reason, I accept myself and all of these feelings.   (say this 3 times)

Eyebrow (EB):              I’m so upset.

Side of Eye (SE):          I’m so worried/anxious/afraid.

Under Eye (UE):          What if the worst happens?

Under Nose (UN):      What will I do?  How will I handle that?

Chin (CP):                     It’s all up to me and I’m feeling overwhelmed.

Collarbone (CB):          I wish I could calm down.

Under Arm (UA):         I’m so worried, upset and anxious.

Top of Head (TH):       I just want everything to be over because I can’t stand the stress.

Round 2: 

KC:            Even though I’m so stressed out and I have good reason to be – anybody would be -, maybe there is a way to see this differently.    (3x)

EB:            This upset/stress/worry is so uncomfortable.

SE:             I’ve been through trying times before.

UE:            I know this situation won’t last forever.

UN:            Maybe I just need to take a break and vent.

CP:             Maybe I can get more sleep and eat nutritious food.

CB:             This too shall pass.

UA:            I know I can calm down eventually and I’d like to feel calm now.

TH:            I accept myself and my situation completely.  That’s the way life is.

Round 3:

KC:            Even though I’m still upset/worried/stressed out, I choose to be calm, confident and relaxed.  (3x)

EB:            Calm, confident and relaxed.

SE:             I choose to know that everything is going to be OK.

UE:            I choose to see that in this moment I’m safe and all is well.

UN:           I choose to be calm, confident and relaxed.

CP:            Calming down now, relaxing my body.

CB:            It feels good to take a break and feel calm, confident and relaxed.

UA:           Calm, confident and relaxed.

TH:           I accept myself and my situation completely and choose to feel calm, confident and relaxed.  Everything is going to be OK.

Repeat as many times as you’d like.

Why I Want Everyone To Learn Tapping

Since I’ve been pitching tapping (EFT) in a few of my blogs, I figured I’d take the opportunity to tell you what I’m talking about and why I want everyone to learn the technique.

Tapping is a quick and effective way to relieve any kind of pain, whether it is physical, emotional, mental or spiritual. Also known as EFT or Emotional Freedom Technique (which I think is a misnomer because it works so broadly), tapping is like acupuncture without needles.  The underlying concept is that pain comes from a blockage somewhere in your energy system.  Because you don’t know where the blockage actually is, you tap on certain points on your body where some of those 80, 000 meridians that make up your vast energy system come together.  And voila…in a few short minutes, you usually get relief.

I use it everyday for something.  Last night, for example, I bumped the top of my head hard on a cabinet corner, the kind of accident I knew would swell.  I tapped for about 1 minute. The pain went away completely and I have no lump or even bruise today.  No need for ice. 😉  Frankly, there isn’t room enough in this blog to describe the many times I’ve used it and received miraculous results.  Stopped bleeding with it.  Made burns and headaches go away in minutes.  Cured flying, elevator and water phobias.  Stopped PTSD in its tracks. Tapping is especially excellent for taking anxiety down quickly, which is why I teach it to so many of my clients.  And anyone – even kids – can do it.  I want everyone to learn this because it’s the fastest and most effective way to get out of pain I’ve ever experienced.

Here is a short video to show you how to tap:

I understand your skepticism.  Tapping makes no sense based on the science we all learned in school, science rooted in Newtonian physics where the universe is made of matter and substance and follows certain inalienable rules (Newton’s Laws).  But since we left school, scientific discovery has moved on and if we choose to, we can now see the world through the lens of quantum physics, where the universe is vibrational like humming rubber bands and DNA is directly affected by the vibration of emotion.  Quantum physics trumps Newtonian physics and offers us exciting possibilities for future discovery.  Read anything by Lisa Randall, Michio Kaku or Bruce Lipton and your world will change forever.

There are many tapping videos by the field’s experts on YouTube so you can tap along.  Anything by Carol Look is great.  She is my tapping supervisor for my training and is one of the small cadre of EFT Masters.  I’m also crazy about Margaret Lynch who specializes in tapping for money issues.  I relate to Margaret alot because she is an engineer, fun, funny, slightly outrageous and extraordinarily effective.  She also takes the tapping one step further by combining it with energy concepts taught by her partner Rhys Thomas, founder of The Rhys Thomas Institute of Energy Medicine in MA.

It doesn’t matter whether or not you understand it or believe in it.  Just like gravity, it works anyway. 😉   I urge you to open your mind and use it on yourself, your kids, your animals, your plants.  Try it on anything and see for yourself.